All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Never underestimate the power of titties
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
