I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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