There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
