Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Come share oat with me in your robe
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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