I faked an abortion last night.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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