still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
