You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
