He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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