Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
