woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
