My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
