This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
