You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
