and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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