I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
