You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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