a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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