So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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