Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
