just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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