I puked a lego.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
