I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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