He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
