i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
