I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
