Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
