My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
