I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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