We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
