i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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