It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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