I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
