my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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