wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
