if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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