I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
