My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
