i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
