And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
