mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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