We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
