Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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