I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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