I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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