I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
