dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
