i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
