I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i would one night stand the shit outta him
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
