When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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