Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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