I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
